Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
