My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
