Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
