they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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