i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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