There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
