Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
