question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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