Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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