CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
