Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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