the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
