Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
