i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
