You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
