I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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