Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
