I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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