Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
