I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
