I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
