My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
