I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
