Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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