I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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