too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
