and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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