So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
