WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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