Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
