She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize