I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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