I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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