Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
