So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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