I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
