I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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