My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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