Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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