if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
