in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
