Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
