You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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