is your mom at the bar?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
