If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
