I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize