I CAN MOONWALK!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
