She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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