I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
