Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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