Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize