Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
