I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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