Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
