Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
