i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
