I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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