I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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